6:45 a.m. Smack alarm clock for the last time, groan, turn on lights, throw on yoga outfit. Bundle up in coat, scarf, hat, mittens. Grab binder, water bottle, and room key. Dash down stairs and out the door into the cold and dark. Trot up the path to the retreat center.
7-8 a.m. Yoga class.
8-8:30 a.m. Health check-in. Step on scale, do measurements, take blood pressure. Chatter with the rest of the group about weight lost or gained, how yoga affects the blood pressure, and dread of the Isotonic Drink.
8:30-9:30 a.m. Isotonic Drink. Face yet another 2-liter jar of warm salt water. Whimper a little. Sigh resignedly, pour out a mug, and begin to drink.
9:15 a.m. Go to bathroom.
9:20 a.m. Go to bathroom.
9:23 a.m. Turn around with hand on knob of bathroom door and go back to stall.
9:30 a.m. Liver and Gall Bladder Cleansing Drink and Tablets. Muse to other group members that while I like garlic, I don’t usually put it into my orange juice.
9:42 a.m. Go to bathroom. Consider leaving, and decide not to.
10-10:45 a.m. Group time. Take off shoes, grab blanket, find comfy chair in the Sanctuary, and settle in for a session of emotional work and sharing with fellow group members. (Nope, I’m not saying any more about this. What happens at Fresh Start stays at Fresh Start.)
10:07 a.m.: Go to bathroom.
10:45 a.m.: A&W, which in this milieu stands for Apples and Wheatgrass Juice. Close eyes, stop breathing, and suck down wheatgrass juice shot. Immediately bite into apple to kill the taste of chlorophyll. Realize that the heavenly smell coming from the dining table is ground cinnamon, and nearly start to cry. Make a cup of rose hip tea to go with apples and cinnamon, and to further extinguish the wheatgrass flavor.
11ish a.m. Walk. Gather with several other group members to bundle back up for a walk on the beach, which sits right in front of the retreat center. Chatter, pick up interesting rocks and shells, observe what appears to be the skeleton of a seal and some REALLY big pieces of driftwood.
12 noon: Health lecture. Learn exactly what all that white flour and white sugar I’ve been eating has done to me. Silently disagree with some of the information presented, and vow to do more research at home.
1 p.m. Poultice Drink. Slurp down a nice glass filled with apple juice, bituminous clay, and charcoal. Remark that compared to some of the other stuff I’ve had to drink, this stuff really doesn’t taste all that bad. It just looks ghastly.
1:30-2:30 p.m. Nap Time. Clomp back to hotel building and go up to room. Check email, watch Canadian TV, read a little bit. Enjoy the sensation of lying down.
2:25 p.m. Bundle back up and trot back over to the retreat center.
2:30 p.m. A&W. The wheatgrass tastes no better in the afternoon.
3 p.m. Reiki appointment.
4 p.m. Health video. Learn some very interesting facts about allopathic medicine and the money train. Squint so as to read the names of the sources of information. Become impressed.
4:45 p.m.: Poultice Drink and Parasite Cleanse Capsules. Down the hatch fast, on account of the faster I drink the poultice drink, the less time it has to become thick and chewy.
5 p.m. Bundle up and retire back to hotel room. Write.
5:55 p.m. Don swimsuit, robe, and flip-flops, grab water bottle, and head downstairs to the Steam Room. Take a moment to thank the heavens that the Steam Room is in the hotel building.
5:58 p.m. Fill water bottle with Hexahedronal water. Take a moment to wonder what on earth hexahedrons have to do with water. Shrug—it tastes good, anyway.
6-6:50 p.m. Steam. Spend 15 minutes in the steam, then exit to the adjacent showers for a 30-second ice-cold shower. Repeat x2. In steam room, chatter with other group members about appointments they had that I didn’t. Compare experiences and results to date. Discuss energy levels (low) and poop (lots). Giggle every time Marjorie jumps when the steam comes on or shrieks at the top of her lungs when she enters the cold shower.
7ish p.m. Bid comrades goodnight in the hallway. Take lukewarm shower. Rub absolutely nummy personally created cream into my skin, and some coconut oil onto a very VERY sensitive area. Write a little bit more, but mostly check email and watch Canadian reality show called ‘Princess.’
9ish p.m. Climb into bed with Harry Potter #7.
9:30 p.m. Turn off light. Ah, blissful sleep!